Paul Whatuira: I wanted to kill myself

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Paul Whatuira has told how he was on the verge of suicide before being locked up in a British mental hospital after bashing two innocent passers-by.

And the Kiwis star has revealed his breakdown was triggered by flashbacks to abuse inflicted on him as a six-year-old.

Whatuira – whose fiancee Venessa Almond gave birth to their first child on Friday, Gabrielle Kaea Whatuira – said he was traumatised by his past as he prepared for fatherhood.

"I hit rock bottom. Things that were in the past, when I was a kid, came back," Whatuira told Sunday News from Huddersfield, where he plays for UK Superleague side the Giants.

"It was something that I swept under the mat and it came back to bite me with a vengeance – it nearly finished me off. Once I was about to have my own kid – what was the happiest thing of my life – it brought back my childhood memories and brought up the past that I had never really told anyone about.

"It all crept up on me and drove me to unfortunately what happened last year."

Whatuira spent 13 days in a secure psychiatric hospital in Bradford, West Yorkshire, after being arrested in nearby Huddersfield on October 13. Police used a Taser gun to subdue him.

Speaking exclusively to Sunday News, the 28-year-old said he had been contemplating ending his life before the violent episode.

"I sat under a tree and thought about those things. I was on the brink," he said.

"[Then] for some reason I got up and started running. Unfortunately I did attack those two people. But if I didn't, I don't know what would have happened. I am happy that I did get arrested – I look back on it now and I was looking for help, I just didn't know how to deal with it. I can say from the bottom of my heart, what happened saved my life. I am really thankful that I didn't go down that path that leads to nowhere."

Whatuira is one of the most successful New Zealand league players. He played for the Warriors, Penrith and Wests Tigers – winning NRL titles with the latter two – before signing with the Huddersfield Giants in 2008. He also played 16 tests for the Kiwis, including starring in their 24-0 win over the Kangaroos in the 2005 Tri Nations final.

He is speaking out about his childhood abuse – the perpetrator was not a family member – to help heal other New Zealanders who have hit "rock bottom".

"I want it out there, I want my story to help others. I want them to know that there is light at the other side of the tunnel. I do believe that I can help inspire other people. And the way to go about it is to tell it right and real."

Whatuira kept his dark secret to himself for 22 years.

"It was something that I have been holding in ... it came back to bite me and it nearly pushed me off the edge," he said.

"I focused everything on rugby league. Sport was like a release. Without rugby league when I was growing up, I probably wouldn't be here now."

But with memories of the abuse resurfacing, Whatuira had gradually plunged into deep depression in the build-up to his bashing of the two men in Huddersfield.

He suffered severe insomnia, including being unable to sleep for six nights straight while on holiday with Venessa in Cyprus before his arrest.

On their return to the UK, Whatuira admitted himself to a Huddersfield hospital which specialises in neurological and mental health treatment.

But as he battled his "demons", he checked himself out in the early hours of the day of his meltdown.

"I got out of the hospital and I didn't know what I was doing. I was just running and bumped into those two guys and unfortunately I hit both of them.

"I look back on it now and I am thankful for being arrested because I would not know what step I would have taken [next]."

Parents Malcolm and Taurima Whatuira made a mercy dash to the UK to support their son when he was in the secure psychiatric hospital.

"I am very fortunate to have parents like I do, and also friends that I didn't realise would all be there for me in my time of need." He was "very remorseful" towards his two victims, writing apology letters to both.

"I had no control over myself. I couldn't control my emotions," he said.

Whatuira will not be charged over the incident which left the men with facial injuries, one a broken nose and dental damage.

Under section two of the British Crimes Act, he is exempt from potential prosecution as he was deemed "mentally ill".

Three months on, Whatuira is well down the road to recovery.

He keeps a daily journal, recording his progress and his inner feelings. He is also immersing himself in the Giants' pre-season campaign.

Words of wisdom from his mother to "take one small step at a time" have also stuck with him.

"I am living my life and back to my normal thinking process – I am trying to live life to the fullest."

His advice to others struggling with their past was to talk to those who you love and trust. Whatuira said his greatest mistake was not seeking help during his younger years.

"I had [dealt] with it myself and that is not really the right way," he said. "If I had approached things in a different way, what happened last year would not have happened. But I didn't know how to trust people enough to talk.

"My advice would be to be open, talk to your family and friends.

"I had been holding onto this for so long. But I should have talked to people about it sooner because it definitely eats you up inside – it leaves you vulnerable to depression and going in the wrong direction, which was where I was going.

"There is light at the end of the tunnel, there is help out there."

Whatuira – widely regarded as one of the nice guys of league – wants to help raise awareness on depression and its effects, in a similar way to All Black great John Kirwan who fronts an acclaimed mental health promotional campaign.

"If my story can inspire people in some way or another, that is what I really want to do. I must have gone through it for a reason and if I can help people out in any way possible, then I will be happy," he said.

"Depression is a sickness and there is a cure."

Being a top performer in one of the toughest contact sports in the world didn't make him immune.

"Everyone thinks that just because you play rugby league that you are a tough guy," he said.

"But it is only a sport and we are only human beings – we do have feelings, we do hurt. Off the field we are just like everyone else."

But Whatuira now has many reasons to be happy. As well as the arrival of daughter Gabrielle, he will also marry Australian-born Venessa in October.

"I went through the s---house last year, this year better be different. I have a lot to look forward to," Whatuira said.

"Fatherhood is way better than winning two NRL premiership rings. I am over the moon – fatherhood is something that I will always cherish.

"I want to be strong for my family."

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Thankfully he didn't go through with it and the support is there to help him.

Thats really sad
but I think he is a brave man to come out and be honest... That takes guts, and I hope his wish comes true about wanting his story to help people!

I agree with GD that it does take guts to talk about what happened. I have comnplete respect for him for doing this as it's not easy talking about their childhood especially in these circumstances.

I've been really touched by the Whatuira story, from when he had discharged himself from hospital right upto being sectioned and then opening up and talking about his childhood.

As GD said its takes guts, not only to talk about being abused but also dealing with the stigma of having had a mental illness. He has my full support as I am sure he does the rest of the Giants family.

Hopefully he can enjoy fatherhood and get back into playing his rugby. I pesonally think he'll have a big season and I've got his name and number on the back of my shirt for this year...top bloke and great to see him back.

Yep, Fatz definitely has guts to tell such an honest story. He has my utmost respect, still feel sorry for the guys who copped his illness with some serious injures.

What a moving interview on Look North just now.

How brave is the guy to repeat everything once the dust has settled?

An almighty GOOD LUCK to him.

Ivor C&G Scarf wrote:

What a moving interview on Look North just now.

How brave is the guy to repeat everything once the dust has settled?

An almighty GOOD LUCK to him.

Totally agree Ivor! I believe he can get through this and by the way he has come back to playing the game he loves after the breakdown he had is an inspiration to us all. After watching the few games he has played this season, he has come back better and stronger

The guy is as brave as they come. To be as honest as he is being with the media is such an amazing thing. Hopefully he will come out of all of this a much stronger person and might even help one or two others too. Still feel bad for the guys he attacked, hopefully they are fine now.

Great post Matt.